The following is a letter from my friend and contributor, Jaimie Bauer. Jaimie wrote this at a time when she is finding out her cancer is returning and she has an infection where they removed cancer a few months ago and did major surgery. She is now facing more cancer, more surgery, a feeding tube and an unknown future as she enters the hospital for an unknown amount of time. To say that things have been hard for her and her family is an understatement. She originally posted this letter on her and her husband’s Patreon account for An American Homestead.

“As I’m headed back to the hospital for another extensive surgery with no true assurance of the outcome, I want to talk about healing. I know that there are so many of you praying that the Father will grant me healing. It is such a blessing to me and encourages me so much that people I don’t know are going before the throne of my Heavenly Father to pray for my healing. It overwhelms me to think about my brothers and sisters in Yeshua coming together for me. I am so grateful for all the words and emotions poured out for me. It is a beautiful thing and sweet fragrance before YHVH when we are able to love to our neighbor, even from far away.

Healing is not something that is easy to understand. I want to try to express my thoughts and feelings about it, but I don’t pretend in the least to understand how the Father works in this area. It’s a raw subject for people like me who are struggling with a chronic illness and even worse the pain and fear that goes along with it. It is also excruciatingly difficult for loved ones and friends who are watching. We all just want answers to that burning question that lingers. WHY?

Zac and I have had innumerable people give us their answer for cancer. Usually it is something that they read or heard and they are convinced because of the anecdotal story that this particular protocol, machine, or supplement will be my answer. Sometimes it comes from personal experience or the experience of a loved one, but the reality is the same. Something helped someone’s cancer and it will help me too. I know all of this information is given out of love and concern. In essence we are all grasping at straws here, just trying to be helpful to the one who is struggling. I used to think exactly like this. Over a year ago, I began to practice fasting and intermittent fasting for weight loss. I was so encouraged with the results that I was seeing and I began to study it more for health reasons. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I would have said: Cancer, no big deal, fasting takes care of that and I’m already really good at fasting. But if fasting kills cancer, why did I have a tumor actively growing in my mouth while fasting? I was diagnosed with cancer 6 months into my fasting journey. After the surgery to cut out the tumor and replace my chin, Zac and I hit the ground running. We used high doses of vitamin C IV twice a week. I spent time in a hyperbaric chamber. I NEVER ate sugar. I took all my supplements. I drank my green juice. I did the course of radiation suggested by my doctors. The list goes on. We tried everything possible that is supposedly deadly to cancer. Unknown to us at the time, a new tumor was continuing to grow on my tongue despite all these efforts.

All of these things involve the physical search for answers in the medical world, albeit mostly alternative medicine, but still in the medical realm. We have also received plenty of advice in the spiritual/emotional realm and I’m sure you have heard these things too. Make sure you are not harboring any unforgiveness in your heart. Declare to the world daily that you are cancer free and you will be. Believe it and it will happen. Never speak about the cancer as “your” cancer. Only refer to it as “the” cancer because by saying “my cancer” you are giving it permission to establish residence in your body. Live as if you are cancer free and it will happen. All of these ideas boil down to one thing, declare to the universe you are well and you will be. The trouble with all of these “answers” is that they don’t give the chronically ill patient any real hope. They place the entire blame for cancer squarely on the shoulders of the patient. They have taken all the supplements. They’ve done all the protocols. They pray positively, even verbally praying through Scripture. But the cancer comes back and consequently the only answer they are left with is: I caused this. I don’t have enough faith. It’s all my fault.

There is an idea in Torah circles that if we keep His commandments, we will never be sick. This largely comes from the blessings and curses chapter Deuteronomy 28, as well as other passages like Psalm 91. But the questions remain. What about Job? What about the man who was blind from birth in order to give glory to God? (John 9) As Zac is fond of saying, the Bible has no contradictions. We just have a lack of understanding. And I’m sorry to say that I can’t make sense out of this. All I know is that there are indeed people who have been in the past and are sick today, people who love and honor the Father with their lives and lips. But you would say, what about that unknown sin, that sin that hasn’t been repented of and of which the person is unaware. We are often told that things like that can block healing.

Two things come to mind. Firstly, I think everyone knows someone, or has heard a testimony of someone, being healed that doesn’t keep the Torah. They probably never even heard the word Torah. According to the idea above, all YHVH’s people should be well and the rest of the world should be sick. But that’s just not the case. Secondly, everyone, EVERYONE that came to Yeshua was healed. He didn’t ask them to examine every last sin in their lives and repent of even things they couldn’t remember. He didn’t tell them to go back to someone they had wronged and make it right before they were healed. He certainly didn’t say, well, you’re not a good candidate for healing because you’re never going to be able to let go of that thing in your life. NO!! Nothing of the sort. He simply healed them. He had compassion on them and healed them. Sometimes he told them that their faith had made them well and sometimes he just healed them. They all had one thing in common. They came to Him and asked, or friends/family brought them and asked. Consequently, for these reasons, we can’t say that someone is sick for not keeping every jot and tittle of the Torah. Neither can we say that someone is well because of keeping every jot and tittle of the Torah.

Have I made you even more confused? I hope so. Because it is my desire to STOP the why asking and answer searching. I know it feels productive to search for answers, like if we are actively doing something then we will gain some ground against this dreadful disease. But I have learned that the only true answer is: “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Asking why is a fruitless question. I think we have to be okay with “I don’t know”. It’s easy to say that, but so much harder to do through pain and fear. It’s a discipline in the battlefield of the mind to “take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). But our Father knows that. He sees our struggles to understand and I believe that as we praise Him and honor Him through the pain and fear it becomes a true sacrifice to Him. It is a sacrifice of praise when we have to choose to let go of the questions and praise Him through them. It is a choice daily, hourly, and more to declare that even though my body is sick, “it is well, it is well with my soul” (my favorite hymn). And it really is well with my soul. I can confidently say that my faith is stronger today than it has ever been. I know He loves me with tender mercies that I see almost daily. He has shown me His love over and over as I have poured out my heart to Him.

It is my prayer for anyone reading this that you hold on to Him too. Don’t let your own why questions steal your communion with Him. Yeshua tells us that in this world we will have trouble, but He has overcome the world (John 16:33). No matter what, we run the race for Him (Hebrews 12:1) and it is our hope to be counted with the sheep as we hear Him say, “Well done my good and faithful servant. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world” (Matthew 25).”

Jaimie Bauer is a homeschooling and homesteading mom of two boys. Her days are filled with reading aloud, cooking from scratch, and being a helpmate to her husband who shares his Torah thoughts at www.new2torah.com. They both teach about their off-grid homesteading lifestyle on their website, www.anamericanhomestead.com.